Friday, September 19, 2008
Family
Happy to say that things are being to go back to the way they were,kind of. The aftermath of this past year is still taking a toll, I guess on everyone. It kind of sucks to know that ina away I let them down. It sucks even more to know that I let myself down too. But life progresses and time goes on. Finally going back to school. Took my year off, but now its time to get back to what I know. Working, working,working. Takes myself away from the insignificant things that don't matter. It's been keeping grounded and focused. Back on the grind<3
No person=No problem
So it has been said that once you get to the root of your problems, you fix it. Whether it's a person, place, or thing you simply get rid of it. Once you do this problem solved. Whatever it is can no longer do its harm to you. Well it seems simpl. It gets to the point when you are constantly reminded of the old memories since you've cut off connection to make nnew memories. You have to find something to make you forget, fill the void. I chose to write. I allow these poisonous memories to ooze from my brain. To cleanse me, to let me move on, in progression. Memories can be you downfall. They can make you revert back to the old. Not, I. No person=No problem. And Im living fantastic. No more worries<3 Finally. Just Cleaning out my mental closet.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Chronicles of Us<3
He has tried to become the death of me. A lethal poison intended for mass destruction. Its apparant to me that he will stop at nothing to completely drive me insane. The question is why? For something that seemed so perfect in the beginning, I barely even know who he is anymore. It kills me to know that everything that occured was his doing. What started as an intimate romance and led to a horrible heartbreak, changed me forever. Soon the things tha I believed were once true were all fiction,non fact. Your name,your whole being...a lie. How could this be? I've played our story from start to finish in my mind and still have not been able to give myself real credible answers.
The first time I saw him I barely even attracted. I knew that him and I were nothing alike. See I was from a well to do family, been sheltered in suburbia for all of my life. He,on the other hand, was from the streets. The streets were all he knew. Our views on the world were so different. Growing up with a silver spoon to my lips ,I was never introduced to the struggle. Our differences intrigued me. A few idle phone calls and finally a fated visit brought us together again. I don't know what it was but it was something different that night. What hadn't seemed to phase me before,you,seem to have caught my attention. As he approached me,I did not falter. It was at the second that I knew what I wanted, him. Not thinking much would happen between us, I tried to push him out of mind. I knew he wasn't right for me. I knew I had other things that I was obligated to do. College was rapidly approaching so I just thought to take him and I as a loss. No more than two days later did I receive a call. It was him, to my surprise. So the summer fling, that I thought it was, evolved into much more.
That weekend, I went back home. I was so eager to see him. Greeted with a kiss and a hug, I melted. See, I'm not one for love. I feel as though it is overrated. Having been failed so many times, I refuse to open up that part of me. But he was making me think otherwise. Next was a visit to the family. See, him and his family are extremely close. Extended and all, doesn't make them any nevermind. That's another thing I loved about him. My family we're close. But not that close. I was introduced to so many cousins,brothers,sister,and others. Introduced as,girlfriend,to my surprise. After he said it, he kind of looked at me for consent. With a nod and smile, I agreed to a decision that changed my life.
Later that day I found about one of children. It was a little girl. Adorable,cute as could be. One of the only children that he informed me of. Caught me off guard but my decision still didn't waver. I wanted to be with him and was still going to stand by him. I learned of his baby's mother.A high school sweetheart. They were only friends now, he told me. In the back of my mind I had some doubts,but still I remained.
Later that day me,him,his cousin and an old friend ended up and Ocean City. That night we talked. We bonded, learning things about one another. To this day, I still don't know what was all truth and what was lies. That night we also consummated our union, thus creating our Christian. I will never forget what he told me. "It's okay, if anything happens I'll be there." "If you become my baby's mother its okay because I trust that you'll be a good mother. You have a good head on your shoulders and want to do things in life". Hmph...thank you for the observation.
Relationship progress. Things are in bliss. I'm happy, ecstatic, in more ways than others.
The next weekend we had our first fight. I hadn't heard from him all day. No text, call, or anything. I had talked to my biological mother earlier that day and she was telling me how sick she was getting. She was always sick but this time she seemed more concerned with the health issues. She told me she need a donor and didn't know if she could get one. I was genuinely upset. I was quiet for most of the day and was really irritated that he hadn't called. We went to go pick him up, he smelled of alcohol. I hated it when he drank, he wasn't the same person. He looked at me, but didn't acknowledge me. My pet peeve and he knew it. I was mad. We went to go visit more family. I stayed in the car. I had no desire to mingle. I texted my confidant of 11 years. I told him how I was feeling, I was upset. I hate being neglected. If he didn't come to his senses and talk to me and let me know what was going on with him, I was going to leave him that night. It wasn't until we got back to the house did we finally get to the root of out problems. His cousin,who affectionately called me "little sis", pulled me aside. I told him what was bugging me. He passed on the word to him and he showed no remorse. "She's lying", he said. Which infuriated me and soon brought me to tears. I left. He quickly soon followed suit. Why would I lie on my mother? To make you feel sorry for me, to make u speak to me? I said to him I didn't know what kind of females you've dated in the past but I'm not them. That's one of our issues. We both judged each other based on relationships in out past. I told him that I didn't need him. He could leave if he wanted to and that I wasn't using my mother as a crutch. I stood by him through anything so the one time I needed him, where was support? H e apologized. We embraced and reconciled. I stayed, when the first red flags were waved. I should've left.
My 18th birthday was rapidly approaching. I was excited. I had made so many plans, long before he and I got together. I was supposed to go to Ocean City with a group of friends. Get a tattoo, go to the club etc. My best friend from Delaware came up for my birthday. I had set in my mind what I wanted to. We go to see him. There are somethings that continue to remain unspoken of, but that weekend was complicated from the start. He told me had to work and some things had come up. So I was willing to rearrange for him. No problem. As long as he was with me, it didn't even matter to me. I spent the morning of my 18th birthday laying in his car while he was at work because he wanted me by his side. I was okay with it too. I was greeted at 12 am with a kiss and a happy by the man I thought was for me. He told me he loved me that night, though I didn't believe him. I told him, he didn't and to not say things that he didn't mean. He told me he did and asked if i did back. Unfortunately I wasn't able to say those three words back. It was too soon for me and would've been a lie. However I told him not to break my heart. I just had a feeling that he was going to end up breaking me down sooner or later. He pretended to be upset but my answer didn't waver. I don't say things I don't mean. Situations get sticky when you just throw the "L" word anywhere. The next morning I awoke to him beside me, just how i liked it. I traced the contours of his face and memorized the curves of his body.He was mine.
Two days later it was 9/11. I received a text message from a friend. It said, "Today is 9/11 and millions lost their loved ones. I pray to GOD that I never lose you , I love you.". I fowarded the message to him. It was cute heart to heart things like that made him smile. He replied,"Thank you baby, I like that". Simple.<3
Few days later, I went to the doctors. To get some blood work done etc etc. I had been feeling kind of sick lately.I was always fatigued and nauseous. I Didn't know what was wrong with me. They ran test on me and told me the info would come in soon. I pushed all that to the back of my mind. I went to see him. I slept in the car off and on. He kept asking me what was wrong and I had no answers for him. I met his dad that weekend. As soon as he approached me he said, "How are you,daughter-in-law?" Brought a smile to my face. That Sunday before I left him to go back to school I was so distraught. He was beginning to really grow on me. I couldn't sleep at night when I was at school because I was so used to him being beside me. Whenever I left I would cry. I couldn't be without him. I was...in love. He had me.
The next week, my results came in. I had to come in for a test but they needed to know when I was coming on my menstrual so they could schedule. That was a very good question, I had been so busy I didn't even think about my menstrual that month. I quickly called my mom and told her what the doctor said. So i counted. Hmm...late. Took tests.Positive. We were having a baby.
Didn't know what his reaction would be.I was kind of worried. But we always had the what if session and we had it planned out. So i told him. I was happy, he was happy . We were having a baby. When i went to see him that weekend I was planning to tell him, that finally yes I did love him. It was a big step for me. But I genuinely felt that way. He was also supposed to come and meet my family that weekend.
2 days later, I woke up spotting. Scared, I panicked. I called my mother and she told me to come so i could go to the doctors. I had been trying to call him all day. I went to the doctors and they told me i was 3 weeks pregnant.Asking me what was i going to do.Keep it, get rid of it, give it away. No, i said. We want it. We're having it.
I got back to my house that day and ended up having a falling out with my father. He found out about the pregnancy and wasn't too hot about it. I didn't care though. I stood by my man 100 percent and wasn't letting anyone talk ill about him. He was a part of that baby just as much as I was.
Later that night I went to see him. Things were different though. He was acting weird. I couldn't put my finger on it. I told him we needed to talk. What were we going to do about this baby.He said whatever you want to do. As he spoke to me I noticed he wasn't even looking me in the eye. What's wrong I asked as he looked down at my stomach. He shook his head. I left him that night, too confused and upset to really understand what was going on. The next day I went to see him. He was out being his old destructive self again. I had begun shaping him and molding him. We were complimenting each other and little by little he was changin before my eyes. What the hell was going on? I had to know.
I asked his cousin and he told me the illest shit I've ever heard. He doesn't believe the baby is his. WHAT?! If that isn't the dumbest thing I've ever heard? Who have I been with every night. Who is the one I'm on the phone with. Who is the one that made love to me every night. HIM. And only hi, he knew that. Don't play games.
The days just dont add up, they said. What? He knew when we conceieved that baby just as well as I did. To many it looked like a cop out. You can make this baby but can't be there? Hmmm..That's fine. I didn't pay him any nevermind. I was having my child whether he was there or not. If he choose not, he would never see my child and thats for sure. He told me that it was fine, i can do what i need to do.
We went to the hospital to see his grandfather that night. I was getting texts from my mom all day to remember to stay level headed. Don't stress myself out and not to let him get to me. I couldn't. I was hurting. Everything was a lie. Everything. My heart was breaking. As he saw my tears he told me he'd be there, but i knew he wouldn't. Him telling me what I wanted to hear was not my reality. My mother had sent me a text message about aborting the baby. She wanted me to go the next day. He read the text and got infuriated.For someone who didn't care why did it matter? I can't swim, and he knows this. So he then tried to pick me up and put me in to water pond. Shit wasn't funny. Im pregnant doofus. He says no, you don't want it remember. No the family doesn't want it, did you see me reply back to the message.
Thats another thing. I found out right before I got pregnant about his anger problems. He used to abuse women. Not with me though. he never put his hands on me until that day. One time too many. I couldn't go back.
That night, he told my friend he never wanted to see me again etc. Broke my heart, but life progresses. I had someone else I had to worry about now. I cried myself to sleep. Torn between alot of things. I still wanted him despite all he was putting me through. I wanted it to work with me and him for the baby. Then the upcoming days abortion. I didn't know what to do.I thought to my self that night.What am I really going to do. I sat down and wrote a long letter to Christian saying goodbye. Brought me to tears but I thought that it was what I had to do.
The next morning I awoke, still confused. I got to the clinic. I couldn't do it. My Christian lived on. He texted me later saying he was sorry.How he didnt mean for things to end the way that they did. He believed me. He just wasn't ready. He didn't mean to hurt me. He called. Asked me if I wanted to work things out so we could have a family. Be happy.He wanted us to stay together. i cried. I thought things were falling into place. I was supposed to go see him that night but i didn't.He called me later on, telling me he had went to the club. I knew he was drunk. I hated it when he was drunk. He said things that really surprised me. I couldn't believe that he was the same person that I once loved.
The next morning he called me and we talked again. Actually,it was our last call for a few months. I went to my family dinner sans boyfriend.Walking on pins and needles, i didn't want them to notice my weight changed and my ever growing baby bump. Surprisingly they didn't.
The next weekend was hell. It was the first weekend of me not going home to him. I was so used to being with him I didn't know what to do. I cried the whole weekend, i felt empty and lifeless. I had to shake those feelings, for i knew he wasn't feeling the same about me. I got a call from his cousins girlfriend saying he was asking about me. Checking on me and the baby. "For what?" i stubbornly asked. He didn't care he's putting me in the worst positions ever. He wanted my number, to talk, she said. We had nothing to discuss nor talk about. He made me sick and I was going to kep playing games with him. Just a few days before I had found another root to his problems. His other babymother was also pregnant. He had left while she was pregant and had been seeing the both of us . Two babies on the way, you really effed up this time didn't you? Sickening. I didn't need his DRAMA.I said forget him. Tell him I don't need anything. Im keeping my baby, he can have a nice life. We don't need anything from him.
My mom began calling me again about this abortion thing. I didn't want to do it. I wanted my baby.Dad started calling. His number went on the block list. Soon every family memeber began calling. ABORTION ABORTION! I dont want to hear it. I got threats of, no this no that. I didnt care.Leave us be. We've done nothing to anyone. We just want to live. All were toughts running through my head. IT WAS OVERBARING. i DIDNT WANT TO HEAR IT. I fled. Turned my phone off and withdrew all money from my accounts. I didnt need them if they didnt want to be there either.
I was alone. With only friends by my side. So he stuck me in a hard spot witth family. This man stripped me down of everything I had. Everything I believed in. So much to this story that can't even be documented. It continues on and lives on in my mind and my heart. Someday I may just let it all go. But until then..
The first time I saw him I barely even attracted. I knew that him and I were nothing alike. See I was from a well to do family, been sheltered in suburbia for all of my life. He,on the other hand, was from the streets. The streets were all he knew. Our views on the world were so different. Growing up with a silver spoon to my lips ,I was never introduced to the struggle. Our differences intrigued me. A few idle phone calls and finally a fated visit brought us together again. I don't know what it was but it was something different that night. What hadn't seemed to phase me before,you,seem to have caught my attention. As he approached me,I did not falter. It was at the second that I knew what I wanted, him. Not thinking much would happen between us, I tried to push him out of mind. I knew he wasn't right for me. I knew I had other things that I was obligated to do. College was rapidly approaching so I just thought to take him and I as a loss. No more than two days later did I receive a call. It was him, to my surprise. So the summer fling, that I thought it was, evolved into much more.
That weekend, I went back home. I was so eager to see him. Greeted with a kiss and a hug, I melted. See, I'm not one for love. I feel as though it is overrated. Having been failed so many times, I refuse to open up that part of me. But he was making me think otherwise. Next was a visit to the family. See, him and his family are extremely close. Extended and all, doesn't make them any nevermind. That's another thing I loved about him. My family we're close. But not that close. I was introduced to so many cousins,brothers,sister,and others. Introduced as,girlfriend,to my surprise. After he said it, he kind of looked at me for consent. With a nod and smile, I agreed to a decision that changed my life.
Later that day I found about one of children. It was a little girl. Adorable,cute as could be. One of the only children that he informed me of. Caught me off guard but my decision still didn't waver. I wanted to be with him and was still going to stand by him. I learned of his baby's mother.A high school sweetheart. They were only friends now, he told me. In the back of my mind I had some doubts,but still I remained.
Later that day me,him,his cousin and an old friend ended up and Ocean City. That night we talked. We bonded, learning things about one another. To this day, I still don't know what was all truth and what was lies. That night we also consummated our union, thus creating our Christian. I will never forget what he told me. "It's okay, if anything happens I'll be there." "If you become my baby's mother its okay because I trust that you'll be a good mother. You have a good head on your shoulders and want to do things in life". Hmph...thank you for the observation.
Relationship progress. Things are in bliss. I'm happy, ecstatic, in more ways than others.
The next weekend we had our first fight. I hadn't heard from him all day. No text, call, or anything. I had talked to my biological mother earlier that day and she was telling me how sick she was getting. She was always sick but this time she seemed more concerned with the health issues. She told me she need a donor and didn't know if she could get one. I was genuinely upset. I was quiet for most of the day and was really irritated that he hadn't called. We went to go pick him up, he smelled of alcohol. I hated it when he drank, he wasn't the same person. He looked at me, but didn't acknowledge me. My pet peeve and he knew it. I was mad. We went to go visit more family. I stayed in the car. I had no desire to mingle. I texted my confidant of 11 years. I told him how I was feeling, I was upset. I hate being neglected. If he didn't come to his senses and talk to me and let me know what was going on with him, I was going to leave him that night. It wasn't until we got back to the house did we finally get to the root of out problems. His cousin,who affectionately called me "little sis", pulled me aside. I told him what was bugging me. He passed on the word to him and he showed no remorse. "She's lying", he said. Which infuriated me and soon brought me to tears. I left. He quickly soon followed suit. Why would I lie on my mother? To make you feel sorry for me, to make u speak to me? I said to him I didn't know what kind of females you've dated in the past but I'm not them. That's one of our issues. We both judged each other based on relationships in out past. I told him that I didn't need him. He could leave if he wanted to and that I wasn't using my mother as a crutch. I stood by him through anything so the one time I needed him, where was support? H e apologized. We embraced and reconciled. I stayed, when the first red flags were waved. I should've left.
My 18th birthday was rapidly approaching. I was excited. I had made so many plans, long before he and I got together. I was supposed to go to Ocean City with a group of friends. Get a tattoo, go to the club etc. My best friend from Delaware came up for my birthday. I had set in my mind what I wanted to. We go to see him. There are somethings that continue to remain unspoken of, but that weekend was complicated from the start. He told me had to work and some things had come up. So I was willing to rearrange for him. No problem. As long as he was with me, it didn't even matter to me. I spent the morning of my 18th birthday laying in his car while he was at work because he wanted me by his side. I was okay with it too. I was greeted at 12 am with a kiss and a happy by the man I thought was for me. He told me he loved me that night, though I didn't believe him. I told him, he didn't and to not say things that he didn't mean. He told me he did and asked if i did back. Unfortunately I wasn't able to say those three words back. It was too soon for me and would've been a lie. However I told him not to break my heart. I just had a feeling that he was going to end up breaking me down sooner or later. He pretended to be upset but my answer didn't waver. I don't say things I don't mean. Situations get sticky when you just throw the "L" word anywhere. The next morning I awoke to him beside me, just how i liked it. I traced the contours of his face and memorized the curves of his body.He was mine.
Two days later it was 9/11. I received a text message from a friend. It said, "Today is 9/11 and millions lost their loved ones. I pray to GOD that I never lose you , I love you.". I fowarded the message to him. It was cute heart to heart things like that made him smile. He replied,"Thank you baby, I like that". Simple.<3
Few days later, I went to the doctors. To get some blood work done etc etc. I had been feeling kind of sick lately.I was always fatigued and nauseous. I Didn't know what was wrong with me. They ran test on me and told me the info would come in soon. I pushed all that to the back of my mind. I went to see him. I slept in the car off and on. He kept asking me what was wrong and I had no answers for him. I met his dad that weekend. As soon as he approached me he said, "How are you,daughter-in-law?" Brought a smile to my face. That Sunday before I left him to go back to school I was so distraught. He was beginning to really grow on me. I couldn't sleep at night when I was at school because I was so used to him being beside me. Whenever I left I would cry. I couldn't be without him. I was...in love. He had me.
The next week, my results came in. I had to come in for a test but they needed to know when I was coming on my menstrual so they could schedule. That was a very good question, I had been so busy I didn't even think about my menstrual that month. I quickly called my mom and told her what the doctor said. So i counted. Hmm...late. Took tests.Positive. We were having a baby.
Didn't know what his reaction would be.I was kind of worried. But we always had the what if session and we had it planned out. So i told him. I was happy, he was happy . We were having a baby. When i went to see him that weekend I was planning to tell him, that finally yes I did love him. It was a big step for me. But I genuinely felt that way. He was also supposed to come and meet my family that weekend.
2 days later, I woke up spotting. Scared, I panicked. I called my mother and she told me to come so i could go to the doctors. I had been trying to call him all day. I went to the doctors and they told me i was 3 weeks pregnant.Asking me what was i going to do.Keep it, get rid of it, give it away. No, i said. We want it. We're having it.
I got back to my house that day and ended up having a falling out with my father. He found out about the pregnancy and wasn't too hot about it. I didn't care though. I stood by my man 100 percent and wasn't letting anyone talk ill about him. He was a part of that baby just as much as I was.
Later that night I went to see him. Things were different though. He was acting weird. I couldn't put my finger on it. I told him we needed to talk. What were we going to do about this baby.He said whatever you want to do. As he spoke to me I noticed he wasn't even looking me in the eye. What's wrong I asked as he looked down at my stomach. He shook his head. I left him that night, too confused and upset to really understand what was going on. The next day I went to see him. He was out being his old destructive self again. I had begun shaping him and molding him. We were complimenting each other and little by little he was changin before my eyes. What the hell was going on? I had to know.
I asked his cousin and he told me the illest shit I've ever heard. He doesn't believe the baby is his. WHAT?! If that isn't the dumbest thing I've ever heard? Who have I been with every night. Who is the one I'm on the phone with. Who is the one that made love to me every night. HIM. And only hi, he knew that. Don't play games.
The days just dont add up, they said. What? He knew when we conceieved that baby just as well as I did. To many it looked like a cop out. You can make this baby but can't be there? Hmmm..That's fine. I didn't pay him any nevermind. I was having my child whether he was there or not. If he choose not, he would never see my child and thats for sure. He told me that it was fine, i can do what i need to do.
We went to the hospital to see his grandfather that night. I was getting texts from my mom all day to remember to stay level headed. Don't stress myself out and not to let him get to me. I couldn't. I was hurting. Everything was a lie. Everything. My heart was breaking. As he saw my tears he told me he'd be there, but i knew he wouldn't. Him telling me what I wanted to hear was not my reality. My mother had sent me a text message about aborting the baby. She wanted me to go the next day. He read the text and got infuriated.For someone who didn't care why did it matter? I can't swim, and he knows this. So he then tried to pick me up and put me in to water pond. Shit wasn't funny. Im pregnant doofus. He says no, you don't want it remember. No the family doesn't want it, did you see me reply back to the message.
Thats another thing. I found out right before I got pregnant about his anger problems. He used to abuse women. Not with me though. he never put his hands on me until that day. One time too many. I couldn't go back.
That night, he told my friend he never wanted to see me again etc. Broke my heart, but life progresses. I had someone else I had to worry about now. I cried myself to sleep. Torn between alot of things. I still wanted him despite all he was putting me through. I wanted it to work with me and him for the baby. Then the upcoming days abortion. I didn't know what to do.I thought to my self that night.What am I really going to do. I sat down and wrote a long letter to Christian saying goodbye. Brought me to tears but I thought that it was what I had to do.
The next morning I awoke, still confused. I got to the clinic. I couldn't do it. My Christian lived on. He texted me later saying he was sorry.How he didnt mean for things to end the way that they did. He believed me. He just wasn't ready. He didn't mean to hurt me. He called. Asked me if I wanted to work things out so we could have a family. Be happy.He wanted us to stay together. i cried. I thought things were falling into place. I was supposed to go see him that night but i didn't.He called me later on, telling me he had went to the club. I knew he was drunk. I hated it when he was drunk. He said things that really surprised me. I couldn't believe that he was the same person that I once loved.
The next morning he called me and we talked again. Actually,it was our last call for a few months. I went to my family dinner sans boyfriend.Walking on pins and needles, i didn't want them to notice my weight changed and my ever growing baby bump. Surprisingly they didn't.
The next weekend was hell. It was the first weekend of me not going home to him. I was so used to being with him I didn't know what to do. I cried the whole weekend, i felt empty and lifeless. I had to shake those feelings, for i knew he wasn't feeling the same about me. I got a call from his cousins girlfriend saying he was asking about me. Checking on me and the baby. "For what?" i stubbornly asked. He didn't care he's putting me in the worst positions ever. He wanted my number, to talk, she said. We had nothing to discuss nor talk about. He made me sick and I was going to kep playing games with him. Just a few days before I had found another root to his problems. His other babymother was also pregnant. He had left while she was pregant and had been seeing the both of us . Two babies on the way, you really effed up this time didn't you? Sickening. I didn't need his DRAMA.I said forget him. Tell him I don't need anything. Im keeping my baby, he can have a nice life. We don't need anything from him.
My mom began calling me again about this abortion thing. I didn't want to do it. I wanted my baby.Dad started calling. His number went on the block list. Soon every family memeber began calling. ABORTION ABORTION! I dont want to hear it. I got threats of, no this no that. I didnt care.Leave us be. We've done nothing to anyone. We just want to live. All were toughts running through my head. IT WAS OVERBARING. i DIDNT WANT TO HEAR IT. I fled. Turned my phone off and withdrew all money from my accounts. I didnt need them if they didnt want to be there either.
I was alone. With only friends by my side. So he stuck me in a hard spot witth family. This man stripped me down of everything I had. Everything I believed in. So much to this story that can't even be documented. It continues on and lives on in my mind and my heart. Someday I may just let it all go. But until then..
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Beauty
Beauty is like armor. It can work as a mask to shield the true feelings of a person. Some think that because a person is beautiful that everything is perfect. Like they're automatically happy. It has been said that a pretty face gives off the impression that no harm has been done in their lives or heart. They think that they don't go through the same hurt, same pain that they do. Some of the most beautiful people in the world have been abused and hurt. Halle Berry has went through numerous abusive relationships and she has been name one of the most beautiful women in the world. It amazes me how people can be so naiive. Pain shows no favoritism. It is what it is. A smile is a mask as well. People think that a smile implies happiness. It only shields heartache and pain.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
My tattoo's
My tattoos
Number 1
Location:Ankle
Meaning:My first tattoo! Its a butterfly with 4 stars surrounding it.Its depicting me growing my wings from being a moth(girl) thus changing me into a butterfly(woman).Also a butterfly is a free spirit,as am I. Oh yeah and IM A STARRRRR.lol
Number 2
Location:Between Shoulder Blades/Mid Back
Meaning: This is a deep one.CHRISTIAN. My heart. This tattoo has multiple meaning. This 9 letter name stands for all of the Laughter,Hurt,Happiness,Hate,Love,Sorrow,and Joy I endured for 4 months...and am stil enduring. that 9 letter name tells the jaded story of so much. Went from having so much to so little in a blink of an eye. Its crazy how one person can change your life the good annd the bad. Christian. My love My heart. MY BABY. If I could I'd do anything to get you back. I still cry, I still hurt. On the day u were to be born. I didnt eat sleep or anything. I couldn't. Christian. The product of him and I. He was a lie. His whole being. A lie that I believed to be so true.U made me believe so much. Y how could u? Broken Dreams and promises of something u could never give me. Why did I believe? I never believe. But u were to be different. U sure pulled the wool over my eyes. U don't know how much u affected me. U still affect me, EVERYDAY. Even though we don't speak u still linger, in my mind,my thoughts, my tears. U still remain. I could wish i never met u but then I wouldnt have had my Christian, though i still dont have him now..id still have the memories. My family. I STILL to do this day can not even FATHOM why you did the things u did.So out of character,so unjust.Y couldn't just let me be. Let us be?Friends. Ronnie,Jodi,Kat,Brit,Jess,Luchie,MICKY,EBONEI.Thank u all for all u have done.I don't know where id be without u. Even tho some of us still arent friends, i still thank u all because i wouldn't have made it without u all. Humble yes I am, because the people that were supposed to be there reniged on me. To the friends that judged frowned up their noses and shook their heads. I dont speak to u all nor do i acknowledge ur prescence. Because just like my family u judged. To the people that are continuing this journey with me. TWINZIE. I swear u are my rock. U r my reflection as i look n the mirror. SO much we have noth endured together.apart.lol Its like we r one and the same. DONT U EVER FORGET THIS. We are not the bad guys. We let the actions and thoughts of others sway our decisions instead of worrying about what we thought was best.
So like i said this 9 letter name holds so much story,so much truth, so much that noone would understand unless they knew. So now u know.
Life....
If things could be so simple and easy, life would not be life, now would it? If things were simplistic, the world would be so mundane. No adventure, no challenge. Everyone needs to go through the bad, the hard knocks, to get to the good. You know what they say, "what doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger." Each life lesson will eventually help you out somewhere along the line. All the knowledge they leave you with you is necessary in this world. The survival of the fittest. "LIFE"
I must Say.I'm going through some changes.Caught in between a whole lot of mixed feelings. I'm bitter,yes. I curse, yes. I have drama at times, yes.I'm an imperfect human.Sometimes life can suck. I cry,I go through the motions. All of that.I'm just trying to get back on my two feet.Little by little I'm striving to get back to what I know. Its just hard after going through so much shit.Through people telling you that you can't.Telling you you're nothing without them.Child please.No one is breaking down my spirit. Nope. I'm living for me and doing for me.Get into MY mind.The REAL me.Look deep within the depths of my soul, my heart.There's so much you don't know. U would never understand me and what I do.I've seen the worse that can happen so I'm not afraid to be alone.I've been there.To the ones that left me when I needed you, I'm better WITHOUT you.Its time to revamp!New Me!So don't bring me down, I'm trying to get better.I'm not going back to that. I wont,I cant.
The Interruption Of Everything
There comes a time in your life when you realize what matters the most. You also learn what never mattered at all. These life lessons are all fundamentals in progression. Dwelling on past matters will only leave you stuck in a rut. It's been said that you hold the key to your own success. You are in control of your own destiny. You are the keeper of the key that unlocks the gate to your future. That key should forever remain in your possession. Once you relinquish your right to that, key what do you have? It's like giving a complete stranger your car and telling them to drive it. They don't have a liscense, their own insurance nor any idea how to drive. Setting yourself up for defeat, huh? Just some food for thought...
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